Today Deployment Sucks.
Today deployment sucks because of how sad and angry and lonely it makes me. It bogs me down with negative emotions. It makes me want to lash out at innocent people. People who don't have a clue. Today I am emotionally tired of riding this roller coaster. One day I feel I got deployment under control. The next day I'm in tears because...well, I'm not even sure why or how it happens. It just sneaks up on me.
Today deployment sucks because my only communication with my husband is email. Day after flippin' day. 'Day 30' posted in his subject line makes me angry because I know we have to get to triple digits. Then multiple. Then add some more before the emails stop. The subject line reminds me it has been 30 days with only one phone call.
Today deployment sucks because it makes me feel like an inadequate mom. My brain is in a constant fog. I forget things. I feel disorganized. I'm emotionally exhausted. I don't remember to sign the homework folder. I don't recheck someone's homework. I don't have a plan for dinner. The living room is a mess. We skip showers. I make one child read to the wall. My daughter goes to bed mad. The dog goes in the kennel. And I pray all of these forgotten tasks will not cause permanent damage. I don't want future Christmas conversations to be about our wacky deployment dinners.
Today deployment sucks because another marriage was broken. A wife grew weary of the "military lifestyle" and sent her Marine a Dear John email. I can't think of a more ideal way to deal with a major life stressor than on a boat, in the middle of the ocean, with my co-workers. Weeeheee!
Today deployment sucks because my feelings are shared with hundreds of other families. War, terrorism, discord, training exercises, and school all continually separate military families. The momentum of military service has increased to a pace never felt before. Fewer troops and more missions. It's basic math.
Today deployment sucks and I am choosing to throw political correctness out the window and be real. Today I am exhausted and I don't want to be Moto-Marine wife. Today I want a free pass to exercise my freedoms, namely freedom of speech.
You are awesome! I love this post, it is everything I felt during both of our deployments. Hugs my friend!
ReplyDeleteThanks Jen!
Delete=( I'm so sorry!! You ARE allowed to feel this, and you are allowed to express it! There is no job harder than a military spouse! You are the everything while they are gone. Hugs to you from an Army Wife.
ReplyDeleteThank you Randi. This "everything" role is exhausting huh?
DeleteThis makes me so sad for you because it does suck. There is no way of getting around it, people can say nice things, talk about how strong you are, say how far you've gotten, he'll be home soon, tie it up all nicely with a bow. And, while all of that may be true it just sucks and doesn't feel like that. Deployments are awful and you are entitled to every one of your feelings and vents. Lots of hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support. I knew these feelings had to be shared. Some days are just tougher than others.
DeleteI'm sorry. I know it does suck. And I'll be doing it again soon. That's horrible about the Dear John letter. Tom tells me that it happens a lot.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it sad? I know it's a tough life but the timing is a little wrong. Just my opinion.
DeleteAmen, sister!! <3
ReplyDeleteSo sweet!
DeleteYou are absolutely right. Not only are deployments hard, but they suck. And just when you think you have it all figured out, deployment throws you a curve ball. My husband has done deployments on a sub, a stint in Afghanistan, and a deployment on a carrier. None of the deployments were the same. I never knew what to expect. On the sub, I would go long periods of time with no communication with my husband (even when I had to have emergency surgery, he didn't find out until a month after the fact). While he was in Afghanistan, my son and I would Skype with my husband, and multiple times, the incoming bomb sirens would go off. While on the carrier, my husband was able to call every once in a while. He would get upset because I didn't have anything else to tell him about other than the kids (two toddlers) and the house (like my life consisted of anything else at that point!). Hang in there. And know that many other wives feel the exact same way and are having the same issues that you are.
ReplyDeleteI'm a follower visiting from SITS. Hope your weekend is a not so hard one!
Wow, you have a long history of deployments. I hear sub deployments are pretty bad. The no communication is one of the hardest things. Thank you for stopping by and sharing! I appreciate it.
DeleteI'm a new follower of your blog and I must say that your honesty in this post is awesome. Sometimes, it's not about putting on a brave face. Sometimes, it's about letting your emotions take over and being honest about how you feel. Thank you for sharing and thank you to your husband for serving. HUGS!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the support Jessie.
DeleteI found your blog because I googled "I want to scream, deployment sucks" and you were the first hit. Your post summed up how I feel today. My DH is in Afghanistan right now and while we are getting to the end of this deployment, I feel like ripping my hair out. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteWhat a way to find me but I'm glad you did. Deployment is a crazy beast. There are so many ups and downs and never a break. I hope you find support and comfort to get you through the end of the deployment. We have done combat tours and I know there is an added stress with those. I wish you the best. Come visit again!
DeleteI actually stumbled upon your blog the same way "The Mama" did... and I have to agree. You summed it up so well - the negative feelings. So many freakin' negative feelings (and I'm a positive person, I swear!) - and the fog and being emotionally exhausted. All of it sucks.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing to really do except keep pushing forward, but we're in the middle of our 3rd year-long deployment to Afghanistan and let me tell you, it's beyond "getting old" some days. In any case, I hope that you're feeling a bit more positive today (and that I will feel that way tomorrow!).
I love your honesty here.
ReplyDeleteMy husbands job requires him to be gone for over half the year, in and out, for the next three years. Its exhausting and such an emotional rollercoaster.
He'll be officially deployed after year three, and I'm trying my hardest to just erase it from the back of my mind.
My faith in God, my husband and in myself are the only things I have to cling to when he's gone. We will make it. But I can't say that for the rest of the marriages I'm surrounded by, and the idea of them breaking apart, breaks my heart.
I am so impressed that you did it with kids. You deserve a few badges yourself.
Sometimes being moto-wife sucks.