Thursday, February 6, 2014


No pictures here. Just some serious babbling. I have never really gotten too super personal on this blog but lately I just feel like I need it. Mostly about work. I don't really know who to talk to about work. I've been keeping a lot in and I don't quite think it is helping anymore. I unload on my husband and he helps by sharing what has worked for him. Or empathizing with his own work story. As a guy, he doesn't really get the girl part of it. The overanalyzing, self evaluating, and inability to let it go.

Lately, I've been remembering this teacher I had in junior high. His name is Mr. Haugen. He was probably the first "hard" teacher I ever had in school. He was considered difficult because he didn't tolerate messing around. A good quality for a junior high teacher. He would always say things like "Are you asking me or telling me?" And if you ever said Sorry which I did a lot. He would yell, "Your not sore-re!" Which just about made me cry every time. Because I really was sorry! Sorry I made him mad. Sorry, I said sorry so he yelled at me. But that was just what he did. All the kids loved Mr. Haugen. I never really did. But, whatever, I had him for one class. I just did my work and tried not to talk.

Another thing he would say is "When you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Of course, he would yell that too. Clearly he just liked to freak out kids. But he had something with this assuming thing and over the past month I have discovered it's one of my greater weaknesses. I find I assume things and believe them. I forget to ask questions to clarify on both sides because I assume if you don't ask questions then you don't have any. I forget to follow up to make sure things were completed because I assume they would get done. I forget to check the invoice to confirm I was suppose to receive a 20 lb. bag of flour before getting stuck with a misdelivery for the rest of my existence because I assume if we get 20 pounds of flour we ordered it. I assume the child telling me his schedule knows his schedule. And every. single. time I get to be the ass again.

In the past 30 days, I have been painfully reminded 'assuming makes an ass out of you and me (most of which was just me)'. I wish I could say it only took me once to learn but I'm confident January was filled with some pretty arsey days! So much I sit here in February wondering if I will ever learn my lesson. I know there will be growing pains. I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly but I do fill vulnerable. I stand with a group of women who have a years of experience in this program. I convinced myself they have never made any mistakes. I start questioning my worthiness of this job. Was I ready? Did they make a mistake? What do I really have to contribute?

It's the most terrible place to go but I go there. Right now I feel like the stuff I'm fumbling with is amateur stuff. Stuff any normal working professional made in their early twenties. But I didn't make those mistakes then because I was at home raising babies. Which makes me feel like even more of a misfit. I'm trying ladies, for all of the women who did this professional life backwards. The ones who married young, had babies, and then decided 'Hey I want an education. I want a career'. It's my driving force. Maybe I'm not carrying a flag forward for the whole group but I'm trying to pull myself up and suck up the fact that I'm not going to be perfect. I'm going to have to get really uncomfortable and humbled so I can gain the experience that I feel I'm ten years behind. When I learn the hard lessons (over and over again), finally fix the weakness which continually chap my backside, and start to feel like I've got this, I'm going to have a greater empathy for those just starting the journey. I'm going to be the back patter who says You can do it... This is normal... You will be so much better for it.

I've just spent way too much time typing this and I'm not even sure where the hell I ended up. I am a babbling mess up way too late. Clearly, I don't really know who to talk to about these things. I'm just curious if there is anyone out there who has ever felt this way? I don't care how old you are. Professionally, is this normal to go through these growing pains? Is it normal to question my adequacy? Or am I just a super sensitive borderline crazy person who is way too invested in her job? Does the insecurity go away eventually? Do you eventually just become so comfortable in your abilities that you stop worrying about your weaknesses and focus on your strengths?

Those are my questions blogosphere. Any wise people have answers to share?



  1. Nicole: You are not alone. This happens to all of us. You need to remember a few things. You were hired because they say something in you that they needed. You feel like you aren't doing things well right now but you are. You are learning each day. You are guiding each day. You have set an example for your family. You have shown them that you made them your top priority when they were little & that you are now keeping them as your priority but adding some things in there for you too. In a few months, you will look back & be happy that you faced these struggles in this position. You have probably learned more about the organization because of it. Take a moment each day & tell yourself what you did well while at work. Maybe you made a co-worker's day because your complimented them & they were having a tough day so it made their day. Maybe you completed a project. Maybe you handled a situation well & didn't think that you would ever have to do something like that. When you look back at the end of the week, you will see many things that went well. Those things that you are feeling bad about now, they will look smaller & smaller each time. You will get through this.Just remember that you are important & you are making a difference. Hugs.

    1. Thank you Jules for your sweet comment. I will definitely be re-reading over the next few months when I start to get down on myself! Sincerely thank you.

  2. I don't think I can say that as well as Jules up there did, but you aren't alone. I don't like my job and part of the reason is because it's taking me forever to catch on to some things. I shouldn't beat myself up about it because the stuff I'm having problems with is the technical stuff that no one knows, except the people I work with who've been doing this for like 20 years. I have to remind myself that I am learning and I am doing lots of other stuff fine. I don't ask a lot of questions either because I feel like I'm bugging people. I need to get better about that too. None of us are perfect. You see the the problem, so you can work on it. It's not like you don't know what is going on. You've acknowledged that it's not your strong point, so you can now attempt to work on.

  3. I definitely have days where I question myself and my adequacy (good word btw!)...not so much at work, but now that I'm going to have a baby. I barely keep things together without a small person completely relying on me for am I going to do it with one?!

    Good luck as you continue to learn in you job and make mistakes....job, life, or whatever related, questioning ourselves is normal. Push through and show them what you're made of!

    My Wholesome Home

  4. I went from working and deploying and traveling for 10 years to becoming a stay at home mom and marine wife. I feel inadequate as a mom every day because when my daughter was my sons age, she was in daycare 10-12 hours a day while I worked. So now, as a SAHM, I feel like a fish out of water. I almost feel like maybe I just belong in the work force and my babies are forever destined for day area and after school programs. But at the end of the day, I know I'm happier where I'm at now. You're doing great, and I'm sure what you're feeling is completely normal!

  5. Nicole, it's definitely not just you! I felt the same way when I used to work in a school setting. I was a TA for an elementary/middle school class and I pretty much felt like I had no clue what I was doing most of the time. Every time I asked a question, the teacher I was working with would always give me these snarky answers that made me not want to ask questions. I think it's something everyone goes through. I used to think I was way too "sensitive" or "soft" because I didn't feel confident doing my job. What I learned over the years is that it takes a lot of experience and lessons along the way to get to where I want to be. The piece of advice my old supervisor gave me is to learn from my mistakes no matter how many times I make them. I'm sure you're doing great. I hated to hear it when people said it to me, but it really does take years of experience.

  6. Don't worry about it, I've been through this and sometimes still go through it! Even the most experienced person still makes mistakes, has bad days, let's emotions get the better of them etc etc - we're only just humans, trying to do our best.

    I think the most important thing to remember is to not try and put too much negative thoughts into it all, you can go home kicking yourself and drive yourself mental over thinking things until you convince yourself you're bad at your job, everyone thinks you're rubbish at what you do, you're boss thinks you are useless and that is not healthy at all. You can guarantee that nobody else really thinks much of it at all.

    Don't be so harsh on yourself!

    Corinne x

  7. It will get better - promise!! We all make mistakes. Especially when we start new jobs. I get embarrassed SO easily and it's one of the worst things about starting a new job - making mistakes and assuming and such… I KNOW you're doing an awesome job, even if it's hard to see sometimes. Those kids LOVE you and you have their best interests in mind. Keep your chin up, February will be better! It's hard, but you're learning and that's the most important thing :)

  8. Man, this reminds me of days at my last job, it is definitely NOT just you! Totally natural and you just keep your head up and push forward.