Sunday, April 7, 2013

Gratitude When You Aren't Grateful

There is only one place I felt fitting for an update on my husband's diagnosis. My gratitude journal. Finding out about the cancer has challenged my feelings of thanksgiving about where we are right now.
One reason has been because of the challenges of deployment. Over the past six months I felt I was being blindsided left and right with stressors. A broken washing machine, a car accident, sick kids, an unexpected expense which took a big bite out of our savings, and an out of control blaze on the back patio to name several.  By February, I felt we met our quota on bad luck and it would be smooth sailing until my husband's return in May. I was confident.

For ten days after surgery, I held on to the hope of a clear pathology report. No cancer. I felt God would be merciful and graceful to let us be the 1 percent. When the doctor confirmed 100% seminoma, I honestly felt disappointed. Had we not been through enough?

How do I say 'Thank you God' when life isn't sunshine and butterflies? Isn't that everyone's question? When I put pen to paper every night in my gratitude journal, how can I avoid just going through a process? For me, gratitude journaling isn't about denying the bad things. It is about taking time to concentrate on the good things. Maybe my husband has cancer. Maybe I lay in the dark and desperately pray that everything is going to be ok. Even if we have to cross a bridge that is dark and scary, that in the end everything will be ok. We will grow from this experience. Someone will benefit. Good will come.

I contine to write my list of five thankfuls, even as we go through this medical diagnosis. Yes, I am not grateful for the constant appointments, the endless waiting, the diagnosis, the worry. But I see the good. 

I am thankful for the down time.
The moments we had to just be together with no other distraction.
Laying down our guard.
Gaining humility.
Drawing closer to God.

I won't begin to guess why this has happened to us. I only know and trust God's Word which says "...[I]n all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28.
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  1. Hugs dear friend, always praying for you all!

  2. Big hugs. Thinking about you guys as you make this journey. : \

  3. I am so sorry, praying for you all. Your perspective is amazing though, hang in there!

  4. I'm sorry you all have to go through this but I love that you are being faithful to find things to be thankful for in all this. You are right, you can trust God to work it out for your good and His glory.

    My brother's cancer treatments didn't even make him sick and he didn't lose his hair either. In fact, he's the healthiest looking cancer patient I've ever seen, lol! It targets the cancer cells and leaves the healthy cells alone.

    Still the word is a scary word but we have a big God! Hugs to you today, my friend!

  5. The way you are holding to this perspective is beautiful. I keep you in my prayers and hope for the best for you and your beautiful family.

  6. My sweet friend, I admire your spirit through everything. I remember deployment was one thing after another and hitting my knees thinking "when will this ever end?". But, when life knocks you on your knees you are in the perfect position to pray. It is so hard to see the sunshine through the clouds, but you have faith and know that even when it's cloudy the sun is still there. God is there, even if you cannot always see him - he's there with you. hugs and prayers to you. ~Lori

  7. Praying for you and your family.