Self-Doubt

This week I hit another mental hurdle regarding the job. This year, 2014, has been the biggest year of growth for me. I have been so uncomfortable so many times since January. And I have hated it. I have thought throwing in the towel would be so much easier than just, well, working harder. And it all comes back to one word, self-doubt.

Here's a little background on me. Since the earliest time I can remember my go-to move has been to give up. It makes life a lot easier when you don't have to find out what you are really made of. I couldn't get the back handspring in gymnastics... I quit. I couldn't move up with my age group in dance class... I quit. I couldn't find childcare for my baby... I quit. When relationships got difficult... I quit. When the going got rough, I quit. It's my MO. Whatever that means. No really, what does MO mean?--sorry it's random.

One day, around the age of 30, I decided it was time to start finishing some of those things I had quit. Looking back, I think one of those turning points was finishing my degree. Excuse my French but I busted my ass to finish that degree. I carried a full time schedule, a part time job, three kiddos, and a Marine for a husband. Which equates to one thing, he wasn't home all that often.  And it may sound like I'm tooting my own horn but ladies let's just be honest, when we work hard for something...let's just give each other permission to say I'm Awesome! And then we can move on. No judgement. Just the simple fact that sometimes we can do pretty amazing things and get some credit for it. The end.

Fast forward to January... and then to May. In my whole life, I have never been hit over the head with such self-doubt and with such uncomfortableness. If there ever was a more acceptable time to use my go-to move, my former self would so approve it! But quitting is not an option anymore. Now I squirm and I bitch and sometimes I cry. I really do. I question if I'm capable or worthy or qualified. I wonder if I did the right thing, if I said the right thing, if I'm the one to blame even though it seems so clear that I'm not. I think a lot. I probably over analyze. I'm super hard on myself. I beat myself down. Then I kind of come to an understanding with myself. I start reaching beyond myself and my negative thoughts. I seek out advice, I research, I try something new. I confront the issue. I keep fighting. I keep fighting to make the situation better. Because in the back of my head, I know I'm in this position for a reason. I'm not going to be perfect. It took me two months to come to that conclusion. But I'm growing. I'm becoming this person who is nowhere near who I was before. And I hate it! And I love it! It's exhausting and empowering all at once.

Never in my life did I imagine how much one small decision would change my life.  The decision to finish something I had quit. How a job could turn into something more than a list of responsibilities and a paycheck. And more important than all this personal growth is the example it sets for my daughter. Nothing makes me happier than to think of a girl who sets goals and accomplishes them. A girl who doesn't give up just because it's hard.

Let us all teach that lesson to whomever will listen!