Self-Doubt

This week I hit another mental hurdle regarding the job. This year, 2014, has been the biggest year of growth for me. I have been so uncomfortable so many times since January. And I have hated it. I have thought throwing in the towel would be so much easier than just, well, working harder. And it all comes back to one word, self-doubt.

Here's a little background on me. Since the earliest time I can remember my go-to move has been to give up. It makes life a lot easier when you don't have to find out what you are really made of. I couldn't get the back handspring in gymnastics... I quit. I couldn't move up with my age group in dance class... I quit. I couldn't find childcare for my baby... I quit. When relationships got difficult... I quit. When the going got rough, I quit. It's my MO. Whatever that means. No really, what does MO mean?--sorry it's random.

One day, around the age of 30, I decided it was time to start finishing some of those things I had quit. Looking back, I think one of those turning points was finishing my degree. Excuse my French but I busted my ass to finish that degree. I carried a full time schedule, a part time job, three kiddos, and a Marine for a husband. Which equates to one thing, he wasn't home all that often.  And it may sound like I'm tooting my own horn but ladies let's just be honest, when we work hard for something...let's just give each other permission to say I'm Awesome! And then we can move on. No judgement. Just the simple fact that sometimes we can do pretty amazing things and get some credit for it. The end.

Fast forward to January... and then to May. In my whole life, I have never been hit over the head with such self-doubt and with such uncomfortableness. If there ever was a more acceptable time to use my go-to move, my former self would so approve it! But quitting is not an option anymore. Now I squirm and I bitch and sometimes I cry. I really do. I question if I'm capable or worthy or qualified. I wonder if I did the right thing, if I said the right thing, if I'm the one to blame even though it seems so clear that I'm not. I think a lot. I probably over analyze. I'm super hard on myself. I beat myself down. Then I kind of come to an understanding with myself. I start reaching beyond myself and my negative thoughts. I seek out advice, I research, I try something new. I confront the issue. I keep fighting. I keep fighting to make the situation better. Because in the back of my head, I know I'm in this position for a reason. I'm not going to be perfect. It took me two months to come to that conclusion. But I'm growing. I'm becoming this person who is nowhere near who I was before. And I hate it! And I love it! It's exhausting and empowering all at once.

Never in my life did I imagine how much one small decision would change my life.  The decision to finish something I had quit. How a job could turn into something more than a list of responsibilities and a paycheck. And more important than all this personal growth is the example it sets for my daughter. Nothing makes me happier than to think of a girl who sets goals and accomplishes them. A girl who doesn't give up just because it's hard.

Let us all teach that lesson to whomever will listen!

Be Careful What You Wish For

Because you might just get it! Hannah Montana fans anyone? I swear there was a song from her Disney days with that verse in it. But I can't remember the name of that song. Can anyone help a girl out? Google has failed me!

 My daughter was a big Hannah Montana fan back in the day circa 2008 :) I can remember tearing up hearing her sweet little voice belt out those empowering lyrics. I'm sure hearing my now teenager sing Miley Cyrus songs would bring on the same reaction these days. Thankfully we don't have that issue because even my teenager knows she cray-zeh!

I've come to know the reality of that phrase very personally this week. Those words came to bite me in the behind in a big way last week. I've been grumbling a lot about a day off lately. Just a mental health day at the Happiest Place on Earth. Every time I thought I could make it happen, then something would come up to delay it. When I finally got everything covered at work to take my day, I managed to hurt myself pretty badly. I slammed the car door directly into my ankle. Who does that? Um, this girl! It hurt like a pain I've never felt and I'm pretty tough. Not to brag but I had a baby au naturale. So I'm pretty tough. But this hurt really bad, I honestly thought it was broken. After a pretty lengthy trip at the ER, we found out it wasn't broken. But I got a brace and crutches to help the healing process since putting any weight on it sent a shot of pain up to my hip.

Not only did I get my mental health day but I got a few others as well. And I'm still unable to return to work until my doctor sends over some paperwork. Which any military spouse can guess how that is going. So, my one mental health day has eaten up the remainder of my sick days and I'm still waiting for all of this to be resolved. I've decided to set up camp at Navy Hospital CP tomorrow. Just for fun. I can spend the whole day waiting patiently for that paper to be faxed over to my "headquarters". I got nothing better to do. And by patiently I really mean borderline stalker status. So...wish me luck???

As pointless as this post is, it main purpose is just a chance for me to vent. I'm so frustrated by my lack of control over this situation. Yep it really is the bottom line. I suppose there could be a morale to the story... be careful what you whine about? That seems about right! I believe Someone is listening very intently and will gladly give you exactly what you hoped for. Ten fold! I swear I never learn my lesson. Pray for patience, you get something to be patient about. Pray for a day off work and you get a week.

It reminds me of something my husband always says...I'm never satisfied ;)

Decorating A Tween Boy Room

We have slowly been getting our house together over the past several months. There have been projects in various rooms but no complete overhauls yet. I suppose there will be a year update in the works. But today I thought I would share pictures from Zac's room. We spent Mother's Day putting the finishing touches on our tween boy's room. It has been a struggle to find the perfect, well, everything for him. I've been frustrated by the lack of appropriate room decor for our ten year old boy. It seems you either have to go with cartoon characters or super grown up metro when decorating a boy's room these days. My son really isn't into satin sheets. He thinks that is a bit girly at this age. I guess you could always spend a grand at Pottery Barn unless you like things like food and electricity! Things have been on hold while I've searched every store in a 20 mile radius looking for the perfect bedding, wall decor, and al the extras. 

We did a lot of repurposing with Zac's room. I guess the general theme has been archeological. More fitting would be Zac. The theme of Zac. Which equates to boy stuff. He loves science. Anything natural occuring in our world interests him. He has collections of rocks, sea shells, leaves, animal skulls, you name it. I can't help but let him collect these things because it is oh-so-important to him. He is also interested in the way things move and are built. I wanted to utilize his collections of random earthly things in his room. Even though, it isn't anything spectacular I'm really happy with the way things turned out. We have a few things left to do, like a new bed, possibly some shelving, and hanging his US Map. It's close enough for a reveal though.

The world map became a fixture in Zac's room when my husband deployed on a MEU a little over a year ago. We would mark all the ports with pins. It was a great visual for my son to see where dad was and what he was doing. I would suggest it for any elementary age child who is having difficulty with deployment, especially if mom or dad is mobile during deployment.

This is the country coming out in us. No home is complete without a dead animal decorating it ;)

I've seen a lot of use of clipboards lately in decorating. I love it. This serves as a reminder for important school work, vocab words, states and capitals, or permission slips that need to be signed right before bed. That is the only time we can sign important school notes, right? Ten minutes after they are suppose to be in bed. I just love that! And I love how his room turned out. It's so perfect for him.

The Blueberry Patch

Lazy Sundays call for late mornings and meet ups with friends. Summer is almost here. Which means no schedules or work for this girl. I can barely contain myself as we finish up the last few weeks of the school year. I'm ready for summer break! I would say after the week we've had at school, "my" kids are ready too! I'm not sure what is happening from 9 to 3 but I suspect it includes intravenous administration of straight up sugar. Straight to the brain. My kids are full of energy!

Which makes the weekend all the sweeter. A morning at the blueberry patch. Kara from Ramblings of a Marine Wife met me at this local U-pick farm with her littles. Kara and I are part of the San Diego Military Spouse group who meet up monthly to adventure together. The group is spread all over San Diego County but we happen to be in the same neck of the woods (Temecula). I mentioned a possible get together and Kara was game. We decided on the blueberry patch with kids.

It's always nerve wrecking for me when you have a friend you kind of hit it off with. Because as women, we all know the real test of friendship will be whether the husbands and the kids get along. If they don't, then you just became lunch date friends. And as great as a lunch date friend is we all want a little more freedom to spend together.

Luckily, we have the Marine kid thing going for us. And we kind of figured the boys would mesh well over their love of video games and imaginary weapons. Is there anything better than those two things? With a little apprehension, we let them get to know one another on their own terms. I did not foresee how fast they would make friends with one another. They weren't ready to end their own meet up. They could care less about blueberries! They wanted go to each other's houses and check out their toys. Kids are so funny. Clearly the Stranger Danger convo didn't sink in!

Despite our need to make this a social event, the berries were amazing! I forget how much better food is when it's picked ripe. I didn't even get to bake with them. We just ate them like candy. I think we are going to need to make another trip or two!

Child's Play

 Do you ever get in a mood when you want to throw out all responsibilities and just have fun? I've been in one of those moods lately. I get a little restless with my Monday through Friday routine. I would love to devote Saturday and Sunday to doing whatever I please. But we all know it doesn't go that way when you are an adult and especially a parent. 

Last Sunday we did drop everything and head to the local skating rink. Yes, I said local skating rink. There aren't many of those around. When I was growing up, skating was Friday night entertainment. Everyone in town skated. These days skating isn't so popular. I love that our area is bringing skating back. 

Our local Murrieta roller rink is quite the experience compared to our 1970s dive rink in small town Iowa. I will let the pics speak for themselves. It's a beach theme. 

Food and games for those needing break. It's so Californian!

Nothing like our skating rinks growing up.
I can't leave out our family pics. 

Someone was struggling to stay on his feet. Although blurry it's one of my new favorites. I love the genuine looks of joy on their faces.

So proud I can stay upright all these years later. Ok... Really I fell down... On my child. But in this picture I'm upright! It's all that matters because my child is fine... now.